I should have least had a hell of a time the night before. Right? I wish. Nope. Nada. It’s an antihistamine hangover. WTF?
I’ve been sneezing NON-fucking-stop for about 6 weeks now. I should have abs of steel and the most awesome six-pack you’ve ever seen. I’m not sure what it’s like where you live, but the seasonal allergies where I live have been the nightmare from hell. This has absolutely been the worst season yet, ever.
Now, what I’m allergic to, I’ve guessed for say 40+ years. I decided, once and for all, to get that skin testing done and know for sure. You guys ever had this done before? 65 little piercing needles ‘o poison on your back. I felt like someone was hurling Chinese throwing stars at me.
Well, it was on my skin for 2 min and I was ready to scratch the living shit out of my back. Yep, DEFINITELY allergic to something! 20 minutes later and I was ready to scratch the living shit out of the nurses’ eyes, face, arms, whatever the fuck I could reach. She says, “ooooooooo, yep, some definite issues here”. No shit Sherlock!!!! I’m dying here! She takes her own sweet time circling in pen on my back (did they test me for ink poisoning, you bitch! ) and FINALLY she’s done. Out comes the Caladryl or I don’t know what it was, but I was ready to make sweet love to whatever was in that bottle. Thank GAWD, the itching started to calm down.
In comes the doctor. “Yep, you have some definite allergies.” I don’t think she appreciated the sarcastic look of really? you don’t say? I could’ve told you that asshole! And I wonder where my kids get that look from. It appears that I’m allergic to any and all types of grass. Not the good stuff. Well, I don’t know, maybe I’m allergic to that too. But that is a weed, right? The weeds were a little lower on the allergy spectrum. Moving on, I’m allergic to about half the trees there are out there. The big surprise was eggs and shellfish. I was like, “WTF? I eat these all the time and I’ve been fine these 40+ years.” Apparently, I’ve built up a tolerance for them. I’m not supposed to stop eating them now that I’ve been desensitized (self-taught) to them. Ok, cool! Eggs are in every-fucking-thing. And I love me some lobster and shrimp!
So now what? Nothing over the counter has worked. She prescribes me a couple of things one may only get with a prescription. The clouds parted, the angels started singing, and I finally, FINALLY have some relief. There’s only one problem. The antihistamine she prescribed KNOCKS MY ASS out. It knocks the ass (largest muscle you know) out first and then my head. So I can only take it at night. Damn does that shit work. But, I feel so freaking hung over this morning. To feel this hung over, I should have AT LEAST had a shrimp cocktail appetizer, a nice dinner of lobster & eggs, and a little fore play.
On the plus side, I’m a new damned woman. I dont’ think I’ve sneezed since Saturday. Better go to the gym and find an alternative to the sneezing for my ab workout now. I really want this chick’s abs. Sigh………….
